If you've never been to a nightclub in a town with a population of less than 50,000 people, then you need to. Something about the combination of living in small town America and hearing Ludacris blasting out of a pair of shot speakers sure seems to drag out the skank in a bitch. True story. Now, I'm no Kate Moss, but I also am not so heavy that my bathroom scale spins around 480 degrees before stopping on 125 pounds the second time around. Given that, I feel qualified to make the following recommendation to clothing makers across America - STOP making tank tops, halter tops, daisy dukes, Brazilian bottom bikinis, tube tops, and fishnet stockings in sizes lager than a 10 or 12. Nobody wants to see those items on someone who needs them in a size 22. Particularly because there does seem to be quite a strong correlation between excessive girth and trashy. Few things are more frightening than the lady-mullet, cowboy boots, sequined tank top, white jean shorts, and 300 pounds of midwestern fed fat lady.